Life is not fair. Get used to it.
Kids should grasp this reality and many other harsh truths before they enter adulthood, but in the age of dreaming and self-esteem-building, who is breaking the news to them?
Author Charles J. Sykes puts together 50 nuggets of blunt advice and wisdom for wise living in the recently published "50 Rules Kids Won't Learn in School: Real-World Antidotes to Feel-Good Education." Sykes -- whose other books include "Dumbing Down our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can't Read, Write or Add" and "A Nation of Victims: The Decay of the American Character" -- says the world was full of the touchy-feely books of affirmation, but that kids need a bigger dose of reality to balance it out. Otherwise, they are in for a huge, rude awakening when they grow up.
"This book is obviously a reaction to so much of the gooey self-esteem -- the 'everyone is special' -- mantras that we've pumped into kids," says Sykes. He is a radio and television talk show host at WTMJ in Milwaukee, and a senior fellow at the Wisconsin Policy Research Institute.
"We're surprised that they have a lot of spoiled children with inflated self-esteem ... and they are completely unprepared for reality," he says.
The book, Sykes says, is "not meant to crush the self-esteem of kids; it's to prepare them to become successful."
The positive mantras emphasized in society -- such as the notion that people can do anything they want to do and become anything they want to be, or that a beloved daughter is a princess -- have their benefits, but any good idea can go too far, Sykes says.
"What we've lost ... is the necessity to teach other things like self-control," says Sykes. He and his wife, Janet, have three children: Sandy, 32; Jay, 18; and Alex, 16.
"We've gotten to the point where parents are afraid to tell their kids 'no' ... and afraid to tell their kids the truth."
Included in the 50 rules are the following tidbits: "You are not entitled ..."
• "Your navel is not that interesting. Don't spend your life gazing at it."
• "It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible."
• "Don't forget to say thank you."
• "Naked people look different in real life."
Sykes says the target audience is kids from about the middle-school age on, and their parents, who can selectively share the rules with their children.
If one were to bottom-line the moral of the whole story, Sykes says, it all boils down to the first rule, about life not being fair.
"That's kind of the uber-rule; everything flows from that," he says. "It's the recognition that you kind of need to deal with life as it is -- not life as you would like it to be, and not life as your kindergarten teacher told you life would be."
We asked readers to contribute their own pieces of real advice for the real world. Following are some of their responses.
Local snippets
• "Don't let your dreams be stifled. What are visions to some are delusions to others." -- Tim Duff, Homestead
• "It's never so bad, it couldn't be worse." -- Jean Mueller, Whitehall
• "Always follow your gut instincts." -- Cindy Fisher, Whitehall
• "Life is just a slow walk around the block -- make sure every step counts for something." -- Ann C. Reynolds, Mt. Washington
• "Accept family and friends for who they are, quirks and all."
"Don't judge people by how they look!"
"A good friend doesn't 'keep score'." -- Helen Pasquarella, Ross
• "Who you've been doesn't dictate who you can become." -- Brooke Soxman, Plum
• "If problems were like laundry hanging on a clothes line, at the end of the day we'd each take our own back."
"Empty barrels make the most noise." -- Beth Rohach, West Mifflin
• "Try, then buy" or "Buy, then bye."
"Junk food = tasty-hasty & waisty; ooh!"
"Good thought: pass it on. Bad thought: pass it up."
"Be smart, be sharp. Get help, get wise. Boost your brainpower, philosophize!"
-- George Manes, Hillsville
• "You reap what you sow." -- Maria Holzworth, Mt. Lebanon
• "Children should be heard and seen, instead of children should be seen and not heard." -- Ruth Humbel, North Side
• "The more you learn ... the more you earn." -- David Graver, McCandless
• "At any given moment, you are only a heartbeat away from eternity." -- Tom Hovanec, Butler
• "You only have to work 10 percent harder than the next guy to be better than he is." -- Bob Crytzer, Robinson
• "Keep life simple." -- Elwood Watson, Bethel Park
• "You must do what you don't want to do, so you can do what you want to do!" -- Lois Kelly, McMurray
• "A bad attitude is like a flat tire; you won't get very far till you change it." -- Debi Koelsch, Larimer
• "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me." -- Doug Borkowski, Mt. Pleasant
• "If opportunity does not knock; build a door."
"No one can ruin my day without my consent."
"In order to transform others' lives, transform your life first." -- Milyssa Ross Sassos, Greensburg
• "If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough." -- Richard Manzini, Greensburg
• "Going through a bad time is bad. Getting through a bad time is good." -- Wendy McIlvaine, Greensburg
• "Never worry about anything money can replace." -- Deborah J. Reynolds, Greensburg
• "Always make a good first impression." -- Christine Fox, West Newton
• "Always remember to say thank you, because no one has to do anything for you."
"Remember that you are no better than anyone else, and no one else is better than you!" -- Debbie Ploskina, North Huntingdon
• "Look out for No. 1, and that's yourself." -- Ron Stashick, Mt. Pleasant
• One I liked to use when folks complain about their job: "The guy who brings the bat and ball makes the rules for the game." -- Buzz Shallenberger, Dawson
• "Nothing is ever easy!" -- Beverly Hall, North Huntingdon
• "Whatever you choose to do, work hard at it and do your best."
"Be a part of the community and give back." -- Mary Bach, Murrysville
• "I would rather die on my feet than live on my knees." -- Jack Chappell, Greensburg
• "You can't like everyone, and everyone can't like you." -- Kay Deise, Greensburg
• "At the core of any personal success is self-discipline." -- G. David Sivak, Greensburg
• "If you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will." -- Louisa Clawson, Connellsville
• "As your mother, my job is to raise you to be a good, responsible adult. If you like me, it's a bonus." -- Debra J. Stouffer, Manor
• "No thing is perfect ... don't strive for the impossible ... be satisfied!" -- Evelynne Majernik, Latrobe
• The 11th Commandment: "Thou shalt not rationalize." -- Robert P. Davis, North Huntingdon
• For young women: "Obtain skills to have financial freedom. Be independent. And don't look to marriage or child-rearing as a recipe to happiness. Do what makes you happy." -- Amy Baker, New Kensington
• "The impossible just takes a little longer." -- Nancy Jones, Lower Burrell
• "Be good to your neighbors, and they will be good to you."
"Don't act stupid; people will think you are dumb."
"Keep your eyes to the ground; you never know what you find."
"Enjoy life because you are not here that long." -- Betty Baechtel, Freeport
• "When life hands you lemons, don't let it sour you on life -- make lemonade." (Maybe that's why I've lived to be 89). -- Jessie Snider, Leechburg
• "You can't keep trouble from coming, but you needn't give it a chair to sit on."
"You're not broke ... until you're broken." -- April Minor, Leechburg
• "I wouldn't go ... I told you so." -- Mike Stanoski, Harrison